Single and ready to Mingle?

July 2014 was a great month for me! On the 11^th of July, I got a call from my office and heard that they had accepted me for the post I had applied for. Wow! That was great news but surprisingly, that was the second best news I had heard that weekend. The best news that I had over that weekend, beat the second best by light years.

Life is an interesting journey… riddled with highways, narrow lanes, traffic jams, potholed filled roads, diversions, road blocks, one ways, breakdowns and many other features that you can see on any journey. In such a variety of pace and scenery it’s hard to know when, how and what decisions need to be taken. One such decision is about marriage. When do I take this decision? How should I take it? And more importantly who should I marry???? I just wish that it was as easy as it was for Adam, go to sleep, wake up and presto! There she was…. The woman God gave me. But it’s almost never that simple right? I was no different.

The Bible says that God saw that it was NOT good for man to be ‘alone’ and so caused him to sleep to form Eve. I am not sure if Adam felt this ‘aloneness’. God could definitely see it, but did Adam feel it? That was one of the triggers for me. Here I was, in a good job, meeting exciting people, traveling, getting involved in church, being part of fellowships, had a great circle of friends… everything was great! But still…. I felt alone. I would come back home in the evenings and for different periods, tried different activities. Tried playing sports, reading books, watching videos etc but nothing even came close to fill this aloneness.  This was 2013. I was not sure how to process this and so I went and told my parents that maybe it was time that I got married? I was not fully sure myself but just with the trigger of aloneness, I took this decision. Hmmm… that did not go well! At a very superficial level, my parents spoke to me about some references they had received but every time something was on the table, I felt so overwhelmed and uninformed to take this decision. This was in spite of the fact that there was enough information. The girl comes from a very good home, is qualified, is a strong believer involved in church and ministry and yet I would get stuck in making this decision. It’s only later I realized that the issue was with me. I had to understand certain truths before I can be ready for this decision.

God is very process driven. He takes us through processes to fully understand His love before He uses us for His purposes. He also uses these processes, otherwise known as experiences to help us understand life and see it through His lens so that we do not become people OF the world. Why else did Moses have to go through 40 years in the palace and then 40 years in the desert before he leads the nation of Israel? Before going to fight the giant Goliath, David reflects on his experiences fighting with the lion and the bear and narrates it to Saul.  Paul groans and says thrice I asked the Lord to remove the thorn in my flesh but finds out that God’s grace is sufficient for him. God’s work in us is always through processes, sometimes even painful processes.

When I could not take this decision, my parents were upset with me. There was friction at home, tension caused by uncertainty and the lot but this always leads us to go to God which I should have done in the first place. I prayed with a heavy heart and asked God to guide me. My passage for devotion that day was I Corinthians 7 in which Paul incidentally talks about marriage. He says that if you are unmarried, continue to do so and be devoted to God and His work. That passage, on that day was an eye-opener. As I spent more time meditating and praying about it, I believe that God asked me to wait and to be involved more in His work. I went and shared this with my parents and ended up getting more scolding for changing my mind now. “You come and tell us that you want to get married and then you change your mind and tell us no…what’s wrong with you??” (by this time they had informed my relatives and others who usually help in this process). Anyway they agreed to my decision and I said I need one more years’ time. I prayed and told our heavenly Father that I would not think about this for one more year and only concentrate on doing His work. I also prayed that He open doors for me where I can go and minister. I knew that I had taken the right step when God started answering my prayer immediately. Within a day or two, I got a call from a friend inviting me to be part of a camp and minister in that camp. Then a few days later another invitation…and this continued! God opened doors for ministry in places I never even thought of and I enjoyed this period to the fullest. What happened since then?

Well, I have come up with four steps in coming to this decision of marriage and this is the first one:

1)     Have a strong relationship with God and set things right with Him

This whole piece that I am writing will make no sense if you do not have a relationship with a Creator God. What else would be our point of reference? In a world where everything changes, we need a constant. Otherwise, every decision we take would be like a blind shot in the dark. We would only go with the flow and never have a life that we are meant to live. If you already are in a relationship with this God then great, but off late has this relationship grown cold? I thought my personal relationship with God had been a little off. When I started working, my level of independence increased. I don’t have to depend on my parents for money now and this independence began tweaking my attitude towards God. In spite of all the previous warnings I had received from my mentors, in spite of me thinking I was I prepared for this change, my love for God was waning of. It is a very subtle slip and we never realize it until the gap is very big. “But I have this against you, that you have lost your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen”

 I went back to God and asked for forgiveness and asked Him to restore me to the place where I was before.

2)      Find out your calling in life

The last four years of my life have been a time of increased self-awareness. Thanks to my two year training in social work, I was exposed to psychology and it helped me understand myself. Also, a book called ‘Cure for common life’ by Max Lucado was an eye-opener and it greatly helped me understand myself. I learnt and realized that all of us have a calling in life. In Jeremiah 1:5, 6, we see God calling Jeremiah with a specific task – to be a prophet to the nations. When Jeremiah disagreed with God saying that He is only a child and not qualified for this job, God touched his tongue and put words in Jeremiah’s mouth. If Jeremiah is called to be a prophet, what are you called to do?

We cannot find our calling inside a fortune cookie or by checking our horoscopes. It takes time and experimenting to find our calling. After reading that book, I realized that my gifting was in the line of teaching, training and speaking. It took time to realize this and when I did, it was a wonderful self- realization moment. I went back to God and said that wherever He takes, I was ready to use the gifts He had given me.

3)      Engage in the calling of your life

The last one year was a time when God answered my prayer and opened doors for ministry. I never said no to any of these opportunities and used it to apply my calling in life. There were few things which gave greater joy than engage in my calling. These programs took my mind of the aloneness and also gave me contentment in my life. I felt strongly that I was at the right place and doing the right thing for this season of my life. There was something else too that was happening….I was slowly begin to realize what kind of person I wanted to be my wife. What should be the qualities in my future spouse that I should look out for? Earlier, the qualities that I had thought were just some feel good statements. When I engaged in my calling, these qualities filtered in beautifully and I was beginning to note them down. You might have had other ‘potential’ partners in your mind but by this time you will realize who would not be the best match for you. Not because they are ‘not good enough’ but you would prefer qualities that complements your calling in life.

4) At the right time now, God will show the person

This went on for a year and a few months ago, my brother-in-law called me form Bangalore and spoke about this girl who he thought might be a good complementary fit me. The process started and we had a mutual friend, a very well- known uncle to both of us who mediated for us initially. He asked both of us to send a written document of what we believe, what qualities we are looking for in the other person and our future goals. By this time, my list was ready and I had five points. I sent it to this uncle and so did Abisha. After he had received both our letters, he relayed them to us. Ok, now this was a goose bump moment for me. In her letter, Abisha had answered those five exact questions I had raised and she did not even know that I was looking for these answers! I took this as a sign from God. Then we wanted to meet each other and talk. This uncle who mediated for us gave me very useful tips even as I prepared to meet her. The meeting went on well and at a superficial level, we both liked each other! But again, this worldly fear came into me…by just meeting her for one hour, am I to decide that she is going to be my wife for the rest of my life? We said we will pray for one more week and then take a decision. That one week went very quickly and I had to make a decision soon. I went to the terrace of the place where I was on that day and asked God for help. Two things came to my mind – Jeremiah 1:5, 6 is, I believe the calling for my life. I was reminded of how Abisha too had the same verse and she had mentioned it in her letter. God reminded me of this at that instant. 

The next thing – I was reminded of the powerful statement by Oswald Chambers – “Holiness, not happiness is the chief end of man”.  I had to ask the question, am I entering into this relationship only to be happy? Then again, everything came together at this moment and I told God that I believe that if she and I get married we would spur each other to a life of holiness and she was perfectly suited for me in that way. The moment this clicked in my mind, peace entered my heart like water rushing out of a dam. I knew then, that she was the person for me.

“The Lord will perfect that with concerns me” Ps. 138:8. Our God is a God of individuals. He knows exactly what we go through and what we need. I have tried to be as brief as possible in writing my experience. But it is beautiful to hear how God clearly showed to Abisha in a very different and special way that she should marry me. The odds of two random people who did not know each other for the first 25 years of their life is like 1 in 12975539046254 (a random number I typed) but when we submit ourselves to God in this He can make odds like these happen. I am not saying that this is the only way we look for a spouse but it can be a way…it worked for me. As a disciple of Christ who is serious about our work here on earth, we need to take strong efforts to find the right partner. We live in a time and age where the institution of marriage is losing its value rapidly. So even if you disagree with everything that I have said until now, I request you to take this decision very seriously and use all the help we can get. It’s helpful to read books like I, Isaac take thee Rebecca by Ravi Zac.

Also talk to couples who are married for at least 25 years and find out how they took this decision. We get their wisdom while we prayerfully seek the partner for our lives.  May we and the next generation raise Godly progeny and disciples and be witness in a morally depraved world. Holiness…..not happiness is the chief end of man.