I just want a Normal life

I just want a normal life

When I was a little girl, I had dreams. Not over the top, but just any little girl would have. I wanted to grow up, get married to a nice guy, have few children, raise them… Not asking too much am I? Just a dream to have a regular life with regular moments of happiness and sadness, pain and pleasures..

At first when things did not work out for me, I said to myself it’s just a matter of time before it falls in place… just a few hiccups now and then but there is light at the end of the tunnel and it’s just around the corner. I waited. It never happened. A life of satisfaction, peace and contentment never came. Was I too naïve when I was young to dream for a ‘normal’ life?

Just before I hit 20, mom passed away. That was very difficult. I was close to her. Slowly, after a year, though it seemed like ten years, I knew I had to move on. Dad, however, was still mourning. Actually he never recovered. He would just sit back on his chair and stare into whatever was ahead of him when I tried to talk to him about regular things. Those were trying days. He never recovered. Sometimes we clashed and it was very stressful but I kept telling myself, I am still young, I have a good 50 years ahead of me to live and my dream would start unfolding any minute. I realized that I had to fend for myself now. So I made some new friends. Not the best of my choices, I agree. I shared my dreams with them and found out they had similar dreams too! Finally, is this the turning point I was looking for? They made me do few things that I was not very comfortable with but convinced me that in order to reach my dream that I had to do these things…they were very normal. So my life of ‘experimenting’ began. I did have those moments of heightened pleasure but you would be surprised by how quickly those feelings drained away. It’s almost as if they never happened and I just had to wait for the next opportunity to satiate that hollow vacuum in my heart.  The more I did it, the emptier I felt. Then, I met this guy. He knew exactly what to do say or do to make my heart skip a beat! Or at least I thought he knew. I wanted to marry him but if you only knew about the rigid structure in my culture, it wasn’t going to be easy. My determination to begin having my normal life made me blind to see the path I was walking and immune to the correction I got from my father. Yes, he never approved most of it. I was pretty sure that some of my dad’s decisions were not very sane after mom’s death and if I had to listen to everything that he said, I mean, that’s crazy right? I married against his wishes, against the wishes of my relatives and well-wishers. It was my life, my happiness, my peace and my dream. If had to listen to their advice I was just not able to see how it would all add up for me. It’s also amazing how quickly people start resenting you for your decisions and ostracize you. I wasn’t bothered much about it, I knew that once they see me living a happy life, they would have all learnt their lesson! A few months after this, I buried my dad who died in grief. Yes, I was very upset that he went to grave grieving but it was important for me to be resilient and live my life. By this time, I had waited too long for my moment to begin.

The first year of marriage was fine. We enjoyed our life together but I was beginning to see to a different side of my husband. Indifference, monotony, boredom and I began having trust issues with him. At first it was just a thought but the more secretive he became, the more it began to haunt me. Then we decided to have a child and hopefully our marriage which looked to drift away would nucleate again and we would become strong together as a family. Confinement was difficult. With my parents not being around and no relatives or close friends nearby, 9 months was very hard. But it was worth it! I had a beautiful son. For all the happiness, sense of fulfillment, contentment that I was seeking in my life, I felt for the first time, a little bit of it when I held my son in my hand. But this sense of having something that I cherished was wounded when my husband abandoned me and went to a different country. No letter, no discussing why, he just disappeared. In my culture, men don’t leave wives unless the wife had committed adultery. I could not wrap my head around this new development. What had I done wrong? This man promised me to be with me forever and just after having our child he goes away? How am I going to raise him up? How will he be treated when the community finds out that he has no father?

For the first time in my life, I realized that life can be cruel to you and ending up in a place of happiness and peace and satisfaction is actually pretty rare. My belief that one day I would arrive at that place was now greatly questioned. Hope had started leaking slowly. From that moment on, life was a day to day pain.

Eight years passed away quickly but each day felt very long. My only job was to take care of my son. Money was hard to come by and so my tiring pursuit to provide for the day to day needs for him and me kept me busy. We were on the edge of poverty. I had to fight with the other ladies almost every day to get water from the well but I was not bothered about it. I had almost forgotten about my dream when I met some of my old friends again. They were in town visiting and had heard about me and so came to say hi. I was a bit happy and sad to see them. They too had abandoned me earlier, but at least I had someone to talk to me now.

After a few days they said they can help me get a job with steady income, all I had to do was be with people and give them company and I would get paid for it. It sounded very strange but the income was good. And when I thought more about it, it would be nice to have people to talk too again. I hesitantly agreed and one day they took me to my new ‘job’. The first thing that was not right about this new endeavor was that I had to work at night. What kind of work do I have to do at night when there is no light? Before, I could think of the reason, I was standing in front of the door and I was told that there is man waiting inside for me. What? Why? Am I going t…. and before I could even ask what was happening I was pushed inside and I was staring at a stranger. My eyes began to well up, my knees started trembling and he came and held my hand….No! please! Let me go! This is a mistake.. I should not be here… but it was of no use.. he was forcing himself on me and pushed me to the wall.. and when I was resisting him in the little strength I had, I heard the door crashing open…Finally! Someone has come to save me…I am safe now…. A savior….

It took few moments for me to realize what was happening. Six or seven men pulled and dragged me away from the house and the strangest thing was they never took the man who tried to abuse me. I saw him with a slick smile on his face…”what’s happening….let me go…””Shut up you prostitute… “ what..? Prostitute? Is that what I was doing in there? No! You got the wrong person! I am innocent… I was framed! Let me go! Whaack…one huge swing of the arm and I was out cold…

It was just about dawn when I became conscious again. I could feel blood on my face..it was dry and I had bled from my mouth…it still stings a bit. It was blurry for a bit..my eyes took time to focus..i heard voices… saw sights of people moving around… where was I? When my eyes finally focused, I saw few men sitting and talking… they were old… they looked like the teachers…they looked important… Why was I in their room? Tied up? Someone came in to the room then and said…. “He is there now…we can go”..and before I knew it, they were marching me again on the road…”where are you taking me” I demanded…. “shut up woman…don’t you not know not to speak in the presence of Pharisees?”… What? Who? Pharisees? Why? …I started kicking and screaming… let me go… Everyone stopped for a moment and a man pushed me to the side of a wall and with hatred said to me….”listen you prostitute.. you were caught red handed…we are going to stone you to death… instead of shouting and screaming….think about your last wish and come quietly with us….” I had no more strength to cry… Last night I put my son to sleep and before this morning I have become a prostitute and now I am going to be killed? What will happen to my son?

The walk seemed long…my entire life was rewinding in my mind… my birth.. my growth as a child…the memories of my mother, my dad… my choices….my decision to be fiercely independent and seek happiness for myself… my friends…the lifestyle that I chose with them…. Lack of respect and indifference to well-wishers and elders when they tried to correct me…. My cold relationship with my husband…my hatred towards him for abandoning me… what about my child? And most of all…. What I was striving for all my life… what about my dream? Ha…isn’t it funny how life turns out? I had a simple dream…a normal life… and I pursued it.. and here I was walking to my death.. cruel cruel life.

My walk of shame was coming to an end….people who were awake at that time on the roads looked at me with frowned brows and disgusted looks.. one woman even spat after looking at me… but instead of taking me outside the city walls, they were taking me to the temple… hmmm… must be for more humiliation I thought… we went towards a group of people sitting in a circle and they threw me to the ground…. My dignity, worth and esteem was non-existent at this moment. Would there be at least one person in that group of people who would be willing to hear me out and see how I have been treated unfairly? No, not just for that night…but my whole life! I had good intentions…I never wanted to hurt anyone and I gave my best to life and this is how life treats me back? Ok…if there is no one here who can give me answers…can you at least give me a shoulder to cry on? I am a civilized human being who took educated decisions and calculated risks..somehow it did not turn out very well for me but why am I being stoned for it?? If there is no human being who will listen to me…God… are you there?

“Teacher”, the voice boomed of the Pharisee, “this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the law  Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?”

Teacher? Who are they talking to and for the first time I looked at the person sitting at the center of the circle. I have seen Him before! That was that good man Jesus! I have heard of him! Isn’t He the nice man from Nazareth who helps the poor and the sick? But why did they bring me to Him? Are they adding insult to injury? To make a mockery of me in front of a nice man….and I had all these questions running in my mind when my eyes locked with His….. Everything around me stopped….and I just saw His eyes… they were deep… and did not allow me look anywhere else…. Somehow… that feeling of emptiness that I was having all my life at that very instant..that emptiness started to get filled…it was filling up fast… I pulled my eyes away and looked at that the men who had brought me there…. There was hatred and anger and violence in their scheming eyes..they were gnashing their teeth…and for some funny reason none of them were looking at me…they had their eyes fixed on Jesus…I looked at Jesus again and He was still looking at me…and that feeling was overwhelming….He then stooped down…oh no Jesus…please look at me…I don’t want to lose this feeling…whatever it is… but He started scribbling on the sand with His finger…nobody had a clue what He was writing…The men who brought me here got restless and started raising their voices and demanded an answer…. “Do You know who is asking You this question?? These are Pharisees…God’s workers! How dare do You not respond to them?” “You disrespectful man….open Your mouth and speak!” ..  “Stop playing with the sand and at least look at us!!!” …. And then, He looked at them…they became quiet….. Compared to their voices His voice was very soft but very firm “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her…” …….and He continued scribbling in the sand……

And, there was silence…. So this is how it’s going to end? This man Jesus, gives an order to which these men should stone?..I put my head down and shut my eyes tightly….the wait to feel the first stone on my body was excruciating…. But…..nothing happened…I opened my eyes again and saw the men again…. There was still anger and bitterness on their faces…. And they were staring at Jesus… the leader and the oldest person in that group turned around, pushed away people standing behind him with a grunt and a swing of his arm and walked away…and so did the next one…and the next one…. One young man screamed and charged to hit me out of anger because of all that happened…. I shut my eyes again bracing to bear the blow but I guess he was quickly restrained….nothing touched me after that…

Why did those men just walk off? Did they get scared? Was some secret mantra that was chanted or some magic words said to make them go? Jesus’ Words had something to do with that… He who is without SIN, let him be the first to throw…. SIN…. What a small, yet powerful word that it made those men walk off… Pharisees and teachers of the law sin? Yes! They just did! They have set me up to get caught and wanted to kill me…. But then…I thought about my life from a different perspective… what about me? Have I sinned? I was selfish and tried to pursue my dream and in the process trampled on a lot of people… I hurt my parents very much especially my father who needed me to be with him and support him in his grieving days…I deliberately disobeyed him…called him a fool and narrow minded in my mind…my decisions to agree to everything that my friend’s said and did even when my conscience made me uncomfortable about my actions….I just suppressed it and pressed on… my nature had changed now and had made me bitter towards people and I snap and bark and hiss at my neighbors for the smallest of issues… the list went on….

Everyone left…. It was just Jesus and me…. And I knew why He did not leave… the only person without sin in that group was left …. At that moment…I might have not been a prostitute…but I did feel like one… cheap…empty…dirty…unclean…. Standing in front of someone who is spotless and sinless… He had every right now to pick up stones and hurl them at me..I should get what I deserve… “Woman….where are they? Has no one condemned you?”  … I looked around just to check… “No one Lord.” “Neither do I… go and leave your life of sin…”

Life is very different today. I have peace, joy, a strong sense of fulfillment…something that I always wanted…but never got or even actually knew where to get it…. I am not bitter anymore…I have forgiven my husband…I am friendly with my neighbors and looking eagerly to the rest of my life and my son’s life too…. That early morning when I had an encounter with Jesus….few things began to happen very quickly…. He said He does not condemn me…. The purest and holiest man I knew…has not condemned me! What a revelation! If He Himself, the son of God has not condemned me for my past…who else can condemn me? My guilt has gone! There is no more fear…. His next statement… “Go now”…. Somehow it rewound the mangled clock of my life and gave me a fresh start…there was hope…my future is ahead of me filled with hope! “Leave your life of sin”…these words were the strongest confrontation of my life….He knows! He knows that I am sinner! Yet His words were reassuring…. “I know that you were struggling with your life…but do better now, My child…” I had to softly nod in agreement…”Yes Lord…I will…”

Until that eventful day…I felt as if I was on a journey climbing this mountain… hard and steep… I did my best….sometimes people, circumstances forced me to try harder…. There was lot of friction, other difficulties on the way….and then came the day I was cornered…I felt as If I had come to the edge of the cliff…and the situation I was in was threatening me to push me…There were jagged and pointy rocks at the bottom…I felt as I had put so much effort to climb to fall to my death…. But then…I met Jesus…I was standing at the cliff….He gave me a gentle nudge and I fell off the cliff…but those rocks weren’t there anymore you see…. It was a beautiful ocean…I fell in the water and when I surfaced again…. I had forgiveness, cleansing, some kind of freshness that is hard to explain! I am guilt free and life has never been the same… So, did I get my ‘normal’ life? Well no… I have an extraordinary life now! My soul is bubbling that I cannot stop telling people what Jesus has done for me…. Thank you Jesus….- Friend of Sinners…..

Jesus, friend of sinners
The One whose writing in the sand
Made the righteous turn away
And the stones fall from their hands
Help us to remember
We are all the least of these
Let the memory of Your mercy
Bring Your people to their knees

Oh Jesus, friend of sinners

Open our eyes to world at the end of our pointing fingers
Let our hearts be led by mercy
Help us reach with open hearts and open doors
Oh Jesus, friend of sinners, break our hearts for what breaks Yours

And I was the lost cause and I was the outcast
Yeah...
You died for sinners just like me, a grateful leper at Your feet